Dial N For Narcissist

In the spirit of personal discovery I decided to take an online personality disorder test. The test asks a series of questions and then displays a chart showing how you measured up. While not the most scientific of tests, it does give you a general ideas of your strengths and failings. This is how I measured up.

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Very High
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

As it can be clearly seen, while I am fairly low in terms of being Paranoid, Borderline, and Dependent. I’ve scored pretty high as a Histrionic and am off the fucking charts as a Narcissist.

It got me to thinking, “Am I really that self-absorbed and praise-seeking from others?”. To be honest this site is a testament to that very fact. And while I could argue the validity of the test, why should I. Rather than let this mar my reputation, why not embrace it to the point of ridiculousness. Why shouldn’t I be honest with myself as well as others in saying that, yes, this site is purely an exercise in self-aggrandizement? In the spirit of the former Squidmail, it is also a fanclub to myself and so self-absorbed it makes me absolutely gush with pride.

So while I endeavor to put up interesting links and stories to keep my friends abreast of my goings on, in the end it’s really all about me, the people that like me, and the clumsy, slipshod attempt to get more people to like me.

That being said, one should not be taken aback by my candidness. One should be glad that I provide a forum for discussion. Whether it be, “I always thought you a bit of an asshole and I thought you were being coy and cute, but, but……FUCK!?” or “You’ve really fucking done this time, Eric. Piss off!”.

The Narcissus Flower

Matter-Eater Lad

You have Superman, Spiderman, and the Hulk. All of them have super-powers that make most evil-doers tremble in fear. Then of course there is Matter-Eater Lad. Matter-Eater Lad has super-eating and digestion as his super power. Not only can he eat anything, he can do it at an incredible pace. In fact, he once hollowed out an asteroid to save humanity.

Despite the obvious similarities, this gentleman is not Matter-Eater Lad.

Celebrity Email

Send an email to your favourite celebrity and let them know how much of a fan you are of their work. Not only can you write letters you can also read the captivating albeit fucking crazy letters by other people.

Letter to Cameron Diaz
Dear Cameron, With all the respect that you deserve, I want to tell you that you are so sexy, hot and original that you remember Marilyn Monroe. If she already has another life, I’m sure you are.As a man I am, I can imagine how loved could be a man in your arms. It must be a dream came true, to feel and kiss your lips. Very truly yours: Alberto

Letter to Angelina Jolie
hello Ange so how about a date im 25yrs old i live in Massachusetts lol how lame asking you out through a email id rather face to face but the chaces of me meeting you in person not to good if you want i can send you a pic of myself:) So you did another TR movie it looks good i will have to see it when it comes out on dvd. I would go to the theaters to see it but sitting on those seats for that long no way well hope to hear from you…

Update: No one won last weeks contest by meeting or beating my ranking of level eight. However, kudos to Mason for getting to level six. I’ve decided to make a new contest. But this time it’s a bit more arbitrary as there are no points or levels involved. Write a fan letter to the person of your choice and post it in the comments. Most disturbing or beguiling letter wins a prize.

Dear Jodie Foster………..

Thought screen hats

Like the voices in my head weren’t fucking bad enough, now I have to contend with aliens probing my thoughts. Not anymore though because some genius has come up with the Thought screen hat which keeps the greys, reptilians, and any other extra-terrestrial motherfuckers out of my head. Thought screen hats are kind of like regular hats but are retrofitted with Velostat telepathic shielding and usually worn by old men.

If you’re feeling really handy, you can make your own. The instructions are here. I took it upon myself to do just that.

Ask Eric

The Ask Men website is featuring an article of the top 10 signs she’s flirting with you. While this list can seem comprehensive I think it misses the mark on a few of the points. Therefore I am going to augment the article by featuring additional reasons that she may be flirting with you. In no particular order here they are:

  • She shows you photos of yourself that you never remember her taking
    Don’t let this little shutter-bug fool you because after you’ve seen the fiftieth photo of you taken with a telescopic lens you can rest assure she interested.

  • She’s always serving you drinks
    Despite the fact that for some strange reason you can’t manage to have more than one of her beverages without feeling sleepy you can’t help but notice she may be keen on you. Not only that, after you’ve lost all motor control she’s nice enough to carry you back to her place. It’s nice to know someone is looking after your well being.

  • She’s interested in your opinions
    When it comes to women’s clothing, it’s not often that men get approached for their opinion. But time after time she asks you, “does this t-back go with this boustier or shall it be the thong?” And while you can answer honestly, it’s hard to let someone know your real opinion of their patent-leather assless chaps/thong combo.

  • She shows a real interest in your comfort
    Whenever she insists that you visit for tea, she also seems to be aware of your comfort level by asking you questions and comments such as, “Is it too cold in here? Let me turn up the heat.” It may seems kind of funny because before you never really took much notice of central heating or air conditioning. Despite your skepticism she may have a predilection towards you.

  • She puts her hand down your pants
    As easy as it is to misconstrue this as a strange European greeting, it is in fact her way of saying, “I would like to get to know you better”

I’m hoping that with these additional points your dating life can be as fruitful as mine. Let me know in the comments if these additional hints give you the foresight to see if anyone in your midst is showing an interest in you.

Do you enjoy the music of Clarence Carter?

Zen On Wheels

OldSkoolTrack.com is the nexus of Track-bike culture. Track-bikes are light, fast, and extremely responsive bikes that have no brakes, and only one direct-drive fixed-gear. Yes, no brakes. While you may question the sanity of someone riding this bike, ask yourself this, “If Kevin Bacon can ride one in Quicksilver, why shouldn’t I?”

In defense, proponents of the track-bike say that it provides a better workout than conventional bikes as you are always in complete control of the bike. It’s been called “Zen on wheels” because of the inhuman ability to become ultra-perceptive of one’s surroundings when you have no brakes.

Riding a track bike is a totally Zen-like experience. You are in total contact with the bike, the road, and everything around you. A track bike is cycling stripped down to its barest essentials.
Brian Dorfmann, Programmer at a large Manhattan law firm

Can you do the “Kevin Bacon dismount”?

More Drugs Please

I guess I don’t take enough hallucinogens because this website is completely beyond my comprehension. Is it a game? Does it hold the ancient secrets that will forever change the course of human history? Or is it a good way to kill ten minutes on a Sunday? I’m guessing the last one and that I should get out more and get “high on life” so to speak. Thanks to that motherfucker Kevin Rodgers for the link.

To Hell And Back

After taking Dante’s Inferno test, I found myself reaching the eighth level of a possible nine levels of hell. I guess this means I shouldn’t make plans for the afterlife because I already know where I’m going. I find it funny because I always thought of myself as nice and charming. Maybe there is a dark, sinister part of Eric none see. While that may be beguiling to some, it could be also potentially dangerous to others. Here’s the description of level eight from the site:

Eighth Level of Hell – the Malebolge
Serpents writhe and wrap around men, sometimes fusing into each other. Bodies are torn apart. When you arrive, you will want to put your hands over your ears because of the lamentations of the sinners here, who are afflicted with scabs like leprosy, and lay sickon the ground, furiously scratching their skin off with their nails. Indeed, justice divine doth smite themwith its hammer.

So it looks like I’m in great company in the hereafter and honestly really does get you nowhere – especially in online quizzes. As a challenge, I would like to know how everyone else stacks up. Just give me the level you’ve reached. No need for details. If I want them, I’ll come to you.

Update: I’ve upped the ante. Anyone who can meet or beat my ranking of level 8 in Dante’s Inferno test will get a prize. The nature of the prize will be revealed in one week’s time. C’mon you fucking heathens! I’ll see you at level 8.

Portrait of the author as a tortured soul.