Makeup Lessons

Here are a series of movies featuring a variety of Japanese makeup lessons. One of which is for a product called Eye Talk. It’s some sort of glue applied to the upper eyelid in order to make Asian women look either more caucasian or surprised. I’m not sure which. I fail to see the reason such a product even exists but it’s popular enough to warrant online lessons on the proper application.

My Japanese is attrocious at best and I should really brush up on my Pimsleur lessons but I still found it entertaining from a gaijin’s perspective. In fact, I watched the movies several times over and only winced when the Eye Talk “eyelid-pusher-backer” stick was used. It’s the scariest thing I’ve seen since Ju-On.

Insomnia

Wish You Were Here.It’s bad enough not being able to get asleep – Even worse after an enjoyable evening with friends. Thankfully I won’t have as difficult a time tonight as I did three days ago when I tried to fall asleep and for whatever reason became hyper-aware of my tongue and fearful that I might choke on it. That odd paranoia brings up a variety of things that I should reflect upon but I’ll save that for when I’m more lucid.

So while I’m up I may as well investigate some of the many insomnia remedies available. Avoiding caffiene, alcohol, or tobacco is certainly out of the question but perhaps the quiet ears method will do the trick. That or talk radio. It always seems to put me out.

The Strange Bedfellows of Eric

Sometimes these posts practically write themselves. Example: an email was sent to me recently with a link to cheer me up in response to my general bitchyness lately because of my lack of work (a situation thankfully resolved). I admit it. I milked it for all it was worth but personal tragedy is only a half-step away from comedy and I figured it would make great content which it did. Come to think of it, I suppose that explains my recent commitment-phobia which seems to have manifested itself in the last year or so.

I gave that a bit of thought because obviously this isn’t the healthiest malady to have. I blame it completely on this website because I’m guided by the belief that I do my best work when I’m not attached as it gives me something to write about and since the biggest thing I make fun is myself then if I’m perfectly content with my life my work will suffer. I’m working to resolve this by building a machine that will traverse dimensions. One day I will pass through the portal to the mirror universe and meet my female doppelganger. That will be the day I get married.

Interdimensional travel is strange but stranger still is the recent manifestation (usually when drunk) of Flashcube Eric in the real world. You see, if there’s a line that separates life and art then by recent events It’s been blurred and I don’t know whether I’m living vicariously through my website or it through me. I’m sure this doesn’t add up to anything good but it does make for some fun times even though I question the motivation afterwards for about a week. Sometimes longer.

Personally I think Flashcube Eric should remain on this website because he’s tarnishing the clean slate the Real Eric’s come back to after a five year sabbatical. Sure, everyone loves the new Flashcube Eric when he comes out on the prowl for kisses but his big city attitude is gonna do me in. While it gives me a convenient scapegoat, it’s at the expence of my mental health. It’s a toss-up. What’s a boy to do?

Computer Love

It’s Friday evening. I’m alone. The TV’s off. I’m in my housecoat. It’s time for another post.

I spend an inordinate amount of time in front of computers or surrounded by their dismantled parts. Sometimes they work with me and sometimes they are a pain in the ass. As much as I like them some people seem to like them even more. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so judgemental but then perhaps they should put some fucking clothes on get that motherboard away from their cock. At least wear a fucking anti-static wrist band.

Standing Tall

Let’s see how you measure up against celebrities. According to this website I’m taller than Sandra Bullock but shorter than Hulk Hogan. I think that’s a fair asessment but how do I stack in terms of other attributes? For instance, I think that it can be argued that were the criteria to be changed to “cute” then the order would be still the same with of course Sandra Bullock coming in first followed by me then Hulk Hogan.

Porn To Work

As a person who is currently looking for work as a graphic designer I like to keep my options open. One of the things I’ve considered doing to further my career is to move into the Adult Entertainment Industry. Don’t worry , you certainly won’t see my modeling or acting in any movies any time soon. You see for every movie or website produced there’s an army of people who handle the sort of tasks you wouldn’t typically associate with the adult industry; be they cameramen, set builders, lighting, catering, etc. In my case being a graphic designer because for every porn DVD out there, there’s some guy sitting behind a computer laying up the sleeve in QuarkXpress or Indesign. I should be that guy. I feel that my artistic sensibilies could turn the adult design world on end because the current crop of them are certainly lacking. There’s no balance, no creative use of colour, and far too many drop shadows and lens flares. Obviously there is a product to be sold and there are confines that you do have to work within but I think I could excel given the chance.

With that in mind I went searching for such opportunties on the internet. One of the more interesting sites I found was Adult Staffing. Most of the jobs on there are for models and phone entertainers but there is a significant calling for skilled graphic design professionals such as myself. After all, it is a billion dollar industry and last year alone 11000 titles were released on DVD. The adult industry is and will continue to thrive. Why should I forego an opportunity like that?

Do You Believe In Magic?

Do you believe in magic? I’m beginning to because it offers hope for the hopeless and turns meaningless to meaning. It’s like it just made for someone like me! So many spells to choose from, so little time.

KISS ME SPELL

Ingredients
1 red candle
A white piece of paper
A red colored lipstick or a glittery pink one.

What you need 2 do:
Light the red candle (be careful).
Draw a lip print on the white piece of paper.
Hold the paper over the candle and think of the person you want to kiss you. Then chant:

Kiss me when we meet,
kiss me (lovers full name),
greet me with your lips and say you missed me,
but most of all kiss me.

(remember to visualize you both kissing and falling in love)

I don’t have any lipstick (red or any colour for that matter) but I’m sure I could ask to borrow some. That act unto itself could preclude a kiss if I ask nicely enough.

The spells don’t stop there. They go far beyond the scope of romance. You want to speed up or slow down time? Bam!! Need to give someone you don’t like the mind of a frog? Sorted!! Yes, I know I shouldn’t fuck around with the occult but they should stop making it so damn fun. Let me know how your spells work out for you.

Tickle Trunk

I don’t get it either. Apparantly this is a sly ad for a deodorant. Fine. But what does that have to do with tickling a poor woman to the point of incontinence? Not much, but it’s fun anyways and still the closest I’ll get until I’m released from exile.