Smiley Smile

While not really a glass half-empty kind of guy, I do make an awful judge of character because I assume that anytime I meet someone new they either want to kiss me or kill me. I’m still not sure which. I think it has something to do with the smile though.

In order to remedy this I took an online quiz over at the BBC Science & Nature website to see if I could spot a real smile from a fake one and I came out surprisingly well with a final score of 14 out of a possible 20.

Am I smiling? Most likely not because if there’s a reason not to smile it’s because I did my taxes this evening with a raging hangover and possibly 3 to 4 hours of sleep. I must love the abuse. There’s no other explanation. Needless to say, I’ve talked to no one tonight and will finally emerge from my shell tomorrow to socialize again.

Oscar Du!

Yikes!There’s some things that are a certainty; one of which that is there is an opportunity to showboat then I’ll do it. This is usually followed by pangs of regret.

Such an opportunity presented itself last evening at the Uptown’s Oscar party. Joel was asked to emcee the event. Part of the responsiblities included the giving away of prizes. At one point the idea was formed that all recipients of the prizes (which included haircuts and t-shirts) should give a speech showing their appreciation. As expected some winners were squeamish at getting up in front of an audience of several hundred.

I have no problem though. Despite the fact that my number never came up, I gave a speech and it would have been a fantastic one given the right context. Firstly, I was cut off by the show resuming (as all prizes were given away during the commercial break) when I resume at the next break I felt I didn’t have the time needed to give a fantastic speech. Ideally, I would need about five minutes with the first minute being complete silence. Below is the speech I should have given but did not.

(Silence)
(More Silence with me looking like I’m about to speak but followed by another 30 seconds)
I have been called upon this stage to let you know the apreciation I feel in being given the opportunity to speak on another strangers behalf. As is customary I will run down a list of things that I feel need recognition.

First and foremost I would like to thank the alcohol (namely the 3 glasses of wine, the gin and tonic, the sangria, and the shooter of miscellaneous alcohol I consumed before coming onto the stage. I would also like to thank the well-mannered, courteous bar staff for their pleasant nature and quick service without which I’d merely be chatty.

Secondly, I would like the thank the shy stranger who let me showboat and grandstand on thier behalf. Opportunities like this don’t come everyday but with nothing but selflessness in their heart they allowed me to shine. They also get to keep the prize.

I’d also like to thank my dignity for deciding to stay home this evening and giving me the swagger to kick ass and take numbers (literally). There’s no place like home.

Goodnight.

What really happened is that my speech wasn’t nearly as good and I had hoped and I decided to bury my face for 15 minutes or so despite the consensus that people really did like it. I did ask Joel to apologize on behalf for the speech partly because I felt bad about it but really for comedic effect. I told him to play it up a bit and he did quite well.

Celebrity Sex Dolls

Why?This one page website features images of sex dolls placed next to the photos of the celebrities they are purported to resemble. I can understand why someone would want to have an encounter with one that resembles Mariah Carey but the Charles Bronson one clearly speaks of depravity.

While on the subject of sex dolls, what would one do if for instance your Realdoll was in need of repair? A call to the Realdoll Doctor would be in order. Now suffice to say that some of the areas that are in need of repair are quite obvious but when the doctor is fixing exposed hip joints and repairing the scalps I dare not imagine what was the impetus. Perhaps I’m jealous though because Real

We Built This City

The M-City Konstructor (apparantly there is no such thing as a hard C in German) is a seemingly pleasant way to while away a few minutes. I’m not sure what the purpose is. I just know that under no circumstances should I ever be allowed to decide where the roads should go as they’ll invariably go against all common sense. Enjoy.

I Got Game

On the desktop of my Mac I have a folder called “Flashcube.org Links”. In this folder contain 222 links that I have collected since December. Despite this fact I still have difficulty coming up with material tonight. So as a consequence, you’ll have to put up with a rundown of what’s going on this weekend.

Tomorrow I am going to take my niece to see the movie “Because of Winn Dixie” (Her choice. My $$$). The movie is about a girl who’s parents don’t want to her have a dog. She may be twelve but I can see right through her because she’s been having the same argument with my sister for the past few months and is trying to use me as leverage. She likes animals a lot and has scads of small rodent-type pets which are mostly kept in cages. They’re tolerated because my niece is quite responsible and takes good care of them. It would drive my sister to drink but she has bigger things to worry about like the fact that my nephew and two friends for whatever fucking reason decided to throw rocks at a truck causing a fair amount of damage. I was first made aware of this by another niece of mine via MSN chat. They’re all so computer saavy that it pleases me to no end (hint: my MSN chat = my first name + what’s written on the basketball. no spaces). I get to sleep in tomorrow while my sister does damage control.

I really do have a basketball (pictured above) but am still scouting out places downtown Calgary that are good to play come spring. I’m absolutely horrible but I find the repeated act of throwing the ball into a hoop quit therapeutic. I’m looking for a few good women or men as horrible as I to play. All interested parties should contact me in advance as it begins in April.

I’ll be practicing this Sunday afternoon before I shove off to an Oscar party at the Uptown in the evening in which my friend Joel is hosting. Wow! Don’t I sound like an asshole-about-town? Also, how does one host such a thing? The entire act of which seems sort of twice-removed and silly so how difficult can it really be “Thank you for coming out this evening. And now here’s Chris Rock dropping the F-bomb.”

By this time tomorrow evening I’ll be horribly drunk. Watch out!

Listen Up!

Somehow I’ve been roped into writing a post once a week for another blog. It’s part of the Izzum (Calgary magazine thing) website and quite possibly the only functioning part of their website right now and where you can read reviews from music wanks such as myself as I talk shit about music that only I quite possibly like. It’s quite sad really. It isn’t the best example of my writing but apparantly my music tastes are respected by someone and that someone asked for a weekly commitment. I managed to squeeze it in between CSI: NY and self-loathing.

A better example of what I’m listening to at any given point in time can be seen at my Audioscrobbler profile. NOTE: If you decide to install the Audioscrobbler plugin for the Mac download the 1.0.1 version as the 0.75 version is flaky as shit and required me to kill the process via the Unix command line. Yes, I’m a nerd but I’m also cute.

Defender

In addition to being in peak physical condition and being excellent fighters, the women in the Israeli Defence Forces share the attribute of being beautiful as outlined in this photo essay.

I’ll admit it. I have a thing for women in fatigues and guns. I think it first manifested itself when I saw picture of Patty Hearst. Not being one to be outdone, Gaddifi has a squad of Guerilla girls that act as his personal security.

Go Go Motherfucking LazyTown!!

Holy Fuck! Childrens television shows are usually mind-numbing, soul-detroying experiences but this Icelandic one is just too much.

Welcome to LazyTown. Despite its namesake it isn’t really about being lazy at all but rather an television show/marketing empire (see their “Products” page) created by former Icelandic “Athelete of the year” Magn??s Scheving in order to promote healthy living. It’s fine to instill good values in children but frankly if I showed this video to my neices and nephew I’d lose that “cool uncle” title I’ve worked so hard to gain.

A Day Too Late

I can’t believe I missed this opportunity by one day.

It was last evening and I had just finished writing a bitchy post about how no one had bothered to enter my stupid essay contest when it occured to me that maybe I was going about things all wrong. Maybe I should try and be the nice guy for once and while I was mulling that over for half a second suddenly from out of nowhere appeared Patrick Swayze. The conversation went something like this:

Patrick Swayze: So you want to sell your soul?
Eric: But I didn’t even offer it to you. Aren’t I supposed to say, “I’d sell my soul for such and such” and then you appear?
Patrick Swayze: Well typically that’s how we like to do things but we’ve implemented a new policy of unsolicited appearances. We’re kind of trying it out and seeing how it goes because you might not realize that you want to sell your soul until we present our offer. May I interest in some cutlery?
Eric: Thanks but I’ve already a set. But that carrot peeler with the carrot-shaped handle looks pretty good. Where do I sign?

Fuck!! I knew I should have held out for the lint brush.

Jung, Wild, & Free

Bring \'em Jung!I took this personality test because I’m a sucker for quizzes on the internet and any insight into my personality flawed or not is always welcome.

So I slogged through the 72 yes or no questions on the quiz and finally it came to the conclusion that I always suspected which can be summarized in this little nutshell.

STOP!!! STOP!!! STOP!!!

I’m halting this post because it’s not really going the way I planned and decided to steer it in a completely different direction.

NEWS: The winner of the essay contest is no one. I didn’t recieve one single entry. Not one sentence. Sure I recieved a few offers to send me their essay that they did for a school assignment but nothing that was remotely close to the subject as outlined in my original post. The option of writing a love poem instead of an essay also went ignored. Even I can come up with a haiku dedicated to me. Check this out.

Eric, I’ll love you
if you tell me that I’ve won
your fucking contest.

How hard is that!? It took me like 30 seconds to come with that. Yes, there were several emails expressing interest in winning and I was moved however I still believe that you gotta dance for your dinner.

Here’s the track listing that of the Mix CD that could have been won.

Je t’aime je t’aime – Tommy February6
It’s Your Dog Charlie Brown – Vince Guaraldi
Tandem – Halcali
Utatane no Hibi (l’ecume des jours) – Luminous Orange
Riding in the boat of the papyrus – Betsy & Chris
Banana split – Lio
Hitsuji No Ayumi – Okuda Tamio
White – Maximilian Hecker
Mirando atr?